COVID-19: Relationship restoration or conflict, self-discovery or isolation? It's your move.

In 2019 I was introduced to a cooperative board game called Pandemic, which became an incredibly popular game amongst my friends. One year later, I’m utterly mind blown by the fact that we’re living in a real global pandemic. I find myself thinking about what’s happening through the lens of characters in the game - the Quarantine Expert is locking down New Zealand in an effort to stop outbreaks, the Contingency Planner is thinking ahead and is poised to adapt our strategy, and the Scientist is desperately working on a cure. Every decision we make is a move in the game and brings us closer to overcoming the virus or feeling defeated by it.

In a matter of days we’ve developed new meanings for words at a global level. Words like “self-isolation”, “bubble”, and “flatten the curve” have become second nature, yet I had never heard them used in the context of preventing the spread of a virus before. Human behaviour has changed rapidly with tourism melting away, all non-essential jobs grinding to a halt, and idle travel becoming a bygone luxury.

We’re seeing huge benefits to the environment because of it - people can see blue sky in Beijing and animal habitats are being restored around the globe. I’m noticing people’s perceptions change about our economic system - Baby Boomers, in general, are less enthusiastic about getting their children on the “property ladder”. People are starting to see the importance of more resilient ways of living, like supporting locally grown food, environmentally friendly waste and travel systems, and prioritising the needs of the most vulnerable.

As a Clinical Psychologist, I’ve been watching with curiosity the effects that the COVID-19 pandemic is having on people’s mental health and wellbeing. Like most aspects of human behaviour, it is complex and there is the potential for positive and negative effects depending on how people respond to the crisis.

As people settle into their bubbles to self-isolate (I recommend the term “hunker down” for its emphasis on connection), it’s going to have a profound effect on relationships. The stress and anxiety from the crisis can put more strain on relationships, especially for parents, which may increase the likelihood of domestic violence. Perpetrators of violence may find it easier to conceal their behaviour and use the virus as an excuse to stop the person they’re harming from seeking help (Please note, domestic violence support services are still operating and listed below this article).

If you are concerned about a loved one, the best way to support them is by keeping in touch:

• You could agree on a ‘code word’ - if they message you that word, you could contact the police and ask them to visit their house.
• Check in and see if they have their basic needs met (such as food, medication, and sanitary items). Some abusive people will withhold these items.
• Set up regular times to talk.
• Encourage them to get in touch with Women’s Refuge if they ever feel unsafe.
  

There are also much more positive effects on relationships that can occur. Hunkering down with loved ones provides an opportunity to have quality time with each other. It also provides the space to talk about the hard stuff happening between you and others. The easy way out is to continue to avoid the inevitable pain of confronting an issue you have with someone through becoming absorbed in the internet. Or you could be courageous and look the person in the eyes and have deeper conversations.

Here’s some tips on having challenging conversations.

• Ask for the person’s permission to have a conversation about your relationship with them. Agree on a time to chat together. It will go better if you are both prepared.
• Have a think about what you want to say and make some notes. Don’t read them, have them in your head for reference.
• It’s vital to reflect and own your contribution to the conflict during the conversation. Be open to feedback as you might have missed something.
• Try meditating, doing yoga, or relaxing in some way before the talk.
• Take turns talking and fully listen to the other person, rather than thinking about your next point. A talking stick or another object can be helpful for turn taking and listening.
• Make sure you can still get your own space to reflect afterwards.
• If you don’t make progress then take some space and try again another day, or think about booking an online couples counsellor. You can search for therapists on Clearhead.
  

Self-isolating, especially for those on their own, has the potential to be a lonely time. However, it is also an opportunity to reflect on your life and take the time to fully learn from your past experiences, many of which you may have never stopped to think about before. The idea is to turn to inward exploration, rather than focusing on what you’re missing externally. The best tools for reflection are:

• Journaling. Get a notebook and start writing. Gradually go through significant memories in your life. You could start at your earliest memory or simply go with whatever comes up. Use significant events form your life to help you build a timeline, such as starting school, a major injury, your first partner etc.
• Meditation. Practising mindfulness meditation helps you learn to better observe your thoughts so you can write about them. You can find meditation guides of all types on Clearhead or try Insight Timer, Calm, etc. if you’re new to the practice.
• Art. Express your thoughts and memories through music, drawing, painting, crafts, sculptures etc.
• You can read more about how to make the most of this lockdown period with the book The Art of Stillness by Pico Iyer. This book paints a picture of why sitting quietly in a room might be the ultimate adventure, because in our madly accelerating world, our lives are crowded, chaotic and noisy. There’s never been a greater need to slow down, tune out and give ourselves permission to be still.
  

It’s important to have a level of human connection as well and it’s been interesting to observe the creative ways people are connecting online:

• Video platforms like Zoom, Google Hangout, Skype, Facetime, and Twitch are becoming the norm for dinner dates, dance parties, and catch ups over beverages.
• People are still watching movies together through platforms like Netflix Parties.
• Bubbles are forming neighbourhood Whatsapp groups to support each other with shopping and chores where social distancing can be maintained.
  

As I studied social psychology at university, I became convinced that it would take an external global threat to unite humanity and bring about positive change to social and environmental systems. I always thought it would be something like an attack from aliens (lol), but maybe, just maybe, this virus is just what we need. I know many people are facing considerable pain right now, but if we work together, like a victorious team winning Pandemic the board game, we have a chance of coming out the other end celebrating the struggles we’ve faced together.

You can find more resources for meditation and journaling by searching for these resources on Clearhead: https://www.myclearhead.com/resources

If you are in immediate danger please contact the police: 111

If you are victim of domestic violence, you can try the following helplines, they are free and available 24/7:

• Women’s Refuge Crisis Line: 0800 733 843
• Shakti Crisis Line: 0800 742 584
• Call 1737 for help from trained mental health counsellors
• Call Healthline for health concerns related to COVID-19: 0800 358 5453